Relationships and identity
Since 2012 we have held a medically supervised iboga retreat on the Mayan Riviera near Cancun, Mexico. A traditional Missoko Bwiti ceremony is paired with a psychologist, then three months of follow-up at home. Guests who live braced for people to leave often describe a night of seeing where that fear began, with more steadiness after. If a late reply can ruin your day, here is how we help, and what else does.
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Safe to Stay
Fear of abandonment: the ceremony, the numbers, the research and how to prepare.
How it works
Fear of abandonment is not a diagnosis. It is a fear many people carry, sometimes as part of anxious attachment, sometimes inside a wider condition. What we offer is a supervised night of looking at your life from outside, held by people who stay beside you. Then come three months of calls, so the end of the retreat does not feel like one more goodbye.
No study has tested iboga or ibogaine for fear of abandonment or attachment style. What follows is our experience with 7,677 guests since 2012. We offer it alongside therapy, never in place of it.
The fear of being left can show up as racing thoughts, poor sleep or a body that will not settle. Every guest has a medical screening with bloodwork before travel. The physician stays in the room through the ceremony.
The Missoko Bwiti tradition of Gabon begins with the person, not the problem. In the night, guests often describe seeing early moments of being left or let down. Many say they watched from a calm distance, as if from outside.
Leaving a group can feel like being left, so we plan your return before you arrive. Tania, our psychologist, stays in touch through three months of integration calls. She also helps you build support at home.
How iboga acts on the brain
Researchers think the brain's own opioid system helps hold close bonds together in primates. In the body, ibogaine becomes noribogaine, which lingers for days. In lab studies, noribogaine acts at kappa opioid receptors, part of the stress system, and weakly at mu receptors. In theory, that could touch the ache of separation. No study has tested this in people, and no study links ibogaine to oxytocin or attachment.
People given ibogaine describe vivid memories and waking dreams; in one study, 14 patients reported this for 3 to 7 hours. Whether reviewing old memories in that state helps is a hypothesis, not a finding. The strongest human study so far, published in Nature Medicine in 2024, followed 30 veterans who had large drops in PTSD, depression and anxiety a month after supervised ibogaine. It had no control group, and it did not look at attachment. Read more in How iboga works.
What we have seen since 2012
Since 2012, with 7,677 guests, we have seen a traditional treatment help people with this kind of struggle, sometimes profoundly and lastingly.
Guests who arrive afraid of being left often tell us they saw the fear as old, belonging to a child rather than to the adult they are now. Some describe less need to check, text or ask for reassurance in the weeks after. Others describe grief first, then more steadiness. It does not happen for everyone, and old fears can return under stress. This is our experience, not a clinical study.
Who holds it
Michael and Cory open and hold the ceremony; Tania, our psychologist with close to a decade at Mexico's National Institute of Psychiatry, screens for what iboga cannot hold and carries the integration; Dr Villarreal keeps the body safe.
Safety
Every guest is screened by our physician and our psychologist before a date is confirmed. You must be 18 or older, and iboga is never given during pregnancy or breastfeeding. A heart check is part of every screening: read how we protect your heart.
Fear of abandonment can spike around separations, and leaving home for a retreat is one. So the psychologist asks about self-harm, thoughts of ending your life and borderline personality traits before a date is confirmed. She plans your return with you before you arrive. We also screen for dissociation and any history of psychosis.
Mania has been reported after unsupervised ibogaine in people with no history of it, so we ask about past highs in you or your family. Some antidepressants change how the body handles iboga. Never stop a medicine on your own; our physician plans any change with your prescribing doctor.
Who it is for
The psychologist and the physician decide together. Sometimes the answer is a later date.
Adults 18 and over who live braced for people to leave: who need constant reassurance, panic at silence, or stay in relationships that hurt to avoid being alone. You are willing to keep working with a therapist at home, and to tell us honestly how you are.
Active psychosis or recent mania, acute suicidality or recent self-harm, an unstable eating disorder, a medication that cannot be tapered in time, or pregnancy. If a breakup or a loss is happening right now, a later date with support in place may be safer. With borderline personality disorder, specialist therapy comes first, and we will talk it through with you.
Why it is hard
Attachment styles are learned expectations about whether people will stay. They run automatically, so the fear fires before you can think. In a US national sample of 8,080 adults, 11% described an anxious style. Hard early relationships are strongly linked to insecure attachment in adults. A link is not a cause, and no one is to blame.
Reassurance calms the fear for a moment, then it returns, which keeps the loop going. Frantic efforts to avoid abandonment are one of nine features of borderline personality disorder, but the fear alone does not mean you have it. Adults can also have separation anxiety disorder: 6.6% of US adults over a lifetime, most of them never treated.
How to cope
Attachment security can grow. Across 36 studies with 3,158 patients, people tended to become more secure during psychotherapy, and gains in security went with better outcomes.
Notice the loop: a trigger, a rush of fear, a check or a plea for reassurance, a brief calm. Try delaying the check, by ten minutes, then an hour. Let the feeling rise and fall on its own. Then tell yourself what is true right now.
Therapy focused on relationships may suit anxious attachment well. If borderline personality disorder is part of the picture, dialectical behavior therapy (DBT) or mentalization-based therapy has the best evidence: across 22 trials, therapy did better than usual care. You may also find our pages on love addiction and complex trauma useful. If the fear centers on one person who does not return your feelings, read about limerence.
If the fear turns into thoughts of ending your life or hurting yourself, call or text 988 in the United States or Canada, at any hour. In the United States you can also text HOME to 741741 for the Crisis Text Line.
For information and referrals, the NAMI HelpLine is at 1-800-950-NAMI (6264), Monday to Friday, 10 am to 10 pm ET; it is not a crisis line. CoDA (Co-Dependents Anonymous) offers free twelve-step peer support: coda.org.
Dates
Open retreats and the dedicated veterans' dates. Eight guests each; full list on the schedule.
The fear of being left was learned for a reason. With care and time, people can learn that they are safe enough now.
Pricing, US dollars
All inclusive from Cancún airport: screening, ceremonies, room, meals, three months of follow-up. All payments are final, see the terms. Full pricing.
Questions about fear of abandonment
A persistent worry that the people you love will leave you. It is a symptom many people carry, not a diagnosis in itself.
It has been linked to early relationship adversity, such as loss or unreliable care. There is no single cause, and no one is simply to blame.
It is one of nine features of borderline personality disorder, and five are needed for that diagnosis. On its own, it does not mean you have it.
A pattern of craving closeness while fearing rejection. About 11% of US adults described it in one national survey.
Yes. Therapy studies show attachment security can increase, and gains in security go with better outcomes.
Relationship-focused psychotherapy is a good start. If borderline personality disorder is present, DBT or mentalization-based therapy has the strongest evidence.
Yes. About 6.6% of US adults have it at some point, and in most adult cases it began in adulthood.
The evidence is very thin. In one small study of 18 men given psilocybin with group therapy, attachment anxiety fell at three months, with no control group. Those results do not carry over to ibogaine.
No study has tested it, so we make no claim that it works. Guests describe seeing the fear as old, with more steadiness after. The work continues at home, with therapy and our integration calls.
We plan it before you arrive: who meets you, who you can call, and the dates of your integration calls. Three months of follow-up mean you do not leave alone.
Anxious attachment seeks more closeness and fears losing it. Avoidant attachment pulls away from closeness and leans on self-reliance. Read more on avoidant attachment.
Often, with a plan. Some antidepressants change how the body handles iboga, so our physician reviews every medicine with your prescribing doctor. Never stop or change one on your own.
You've carried this long enough. Start with a conversation with our medical team.
